Waxing of the Hoo-ha

An old student of mine (Yes, I love my students and keep in touch with them…15 years now!) sent me this email…I HAD to share it with you all….get your chamber pot ready!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal – The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…wax.

Read on…

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

“Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.”

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

(“Cold wax, yeah…right!”) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!…..OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip and there’s no hair on it!

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch and I am touching wax! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

I then make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. SEALED SHUT!!!! MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT! SEALED SHUT!!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!”

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment-I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter……

“So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don’t
care.

“IT WORKS!! It works!!” I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color…

Take a Lesson from Samson and Delila

What do you do when you get frustrated?

Let’s see, if you are Samson, you eat ALL of your sister’s food (try to weaken her resolve), beat her at the old wrestling game….

If you are Delila, you chew on your brother’s balls when he least expects it….

Uh-huh…

Even little kitties know to aim where it counts!

I vote for Delila!

Celebration

Lilacspecs PASSED LEVEL 4—WOOHOO!!!

31 years and counting

Did you ever think of what it takes to BE WITH A PERSON for 31 years? Let’s reflect on that for a minute.

31 years equals…

372 months
11,315 days
271,560 hours
16,293,600 minutes
977,616,000 seconds OR heartbeats

Any way you count it or look at it, it is a loooong time, especially by today’s standards.

Divorce rates in the US run anywhere from 41-50% (http://www.aboutdivorce.org/us_divorce_rates.html)

Today is DD and my 31st anniversary…and I can tell you that it has been work folks…GOOD, SOLID, SHARED WORK.

People have asked me, how do you do it? Here are my answers…

1. RESPECT…you can be very very different people (and DD and I are almost polar opposites)…you must have respect for one another as individuals. No respect = no foundation. RESPECT MUST come before love!

2. SENSE OF HUMOR…you have to laugh at yourself and each other. Let’s face it, ABSOLUTELY NOBODY is perfect and we all make really really stupid boneheaded moves at times. You CANNOT take everything seriously all of the time or you will sink into a deep and unrecoverable depression (this comes from personal experience, believe me on this one, for sure).

3. FLEXIBILITY…if you are rigid in your beliefs and the way you deal with things, you are DOOMED. You have to be able to go with the flow sometimes (and for some people that can actually be excrutiatingly painful) and you have to just be spontaneous…ACT, don’t always react!

4. SHARING…there has to be give and take…again, in all honesty, sometimes one person gives or takes more than the other…SOOOOOO WHAT as long as there is give an take…each of us on any given day NEEDS to take to survive and on other days our ability to give may seem endless. The idea is to have some of both between both of you.

5. COMMUNICATION…I’ll be honest on this one folks….the one way I often choose to “protect” myself when I’m feeling put upon is to isolate myself. I stay away, I don’t communicate, I try to deescalate myself by being by myself. And, I’m still learning that this DOESN’T WORK. It might make me feel OK for a second ot two…just enough to get my blood pressure down, but in the longrun, you HAVE to communicate. DD has earned MAJOR HUGE GALACTIC STARS in our 31 years for recognizing this really bad attribute of mine and NOT holding it against me in any way….my man is a master at getting me to communicate…it may be thru a ton of tears, but that’s OK too….we end up resolving things through communication.

6. SEX…bet you thought I wouldn’t mention this one…doesn’t hurt to have a little of this on a regular basis…do remember that sex comes in multiple forms including nice warm massages, little text messages, a romantic evening out at a movie or show or dinner (or all of them) and even just a hug around the neck or a kiss on the cheek when least expected.

I guess we are doing something right since 31 years came around pretty quickly and relatively painlessly. We continue to respect each other for our differences even as we have grown in some similarities (we’re both really overweight ); we laugh at our idiosyncracies…that is why we are who we are; we make changes as they need to be made…YES, they are hard changes and we aren’t always happy making some of them, but we make them; we share in many ways—we share accomplishments AND failures, we share in joys AND frustrations; we communicate, boy do we communicate and I am trying hard TO BE BETTER AT IT…(You CAN teach and old dog new tricks); and since this is realy a G or PG rated blog, I won’t go into the Sex part of the relationship….let’s just say that it is still working fluidly ;P

With good nature and good Karma…perhaps we shall celebrate 31 more!

Love you Eddie!

What the heck is a NITTANY Lion?

Well, if you are one of the infected graduates of Penn State University (that is a very serious illness, mind you…they are really sick puppies)…the Nittany Lion is the mascot of the University. Is there really such a thing as a Nittany Lion?

Only here in Happy Valley.

Wondering what I’m doing in Penn State (2 1/2 hours from the Burgh)…after all, I just got back from New Orleans…well, I’m on a state level advisory board for Deaf Education (I represent higher education on the board) and ERCHL is having its annual retreat. (Read that as work sessions for two solid days with some food in between and a healthy dose of laughter as well)…it is a great way to establish important comaraderie (sp??) and collaboration among all the deaf related consumer/constituencies in Pennsylvania.

Anyhow, I’m here until Thursday, communing about all things Deaf. One exciting thing…we have a new document called the PA Agenda for Students who are Deaf and Hard of Hearing that is about to be introduced statewide…we will really be the envy of every single state in the USA because this document truly outlines that which is critically important in educating the deaf and hard of hearing children in this state…something sorely needed across the US.

Can’t wait to find out my role in the dissemination of the Agenda…should be *neat* (dork word, I know!)

Off to the bar meeting!

Some Things I Think I Think

1. Women are incredibly talented

2.  We lost a true master comedian today with the passing of George Carlin

3. George Bush is truly the most uninformed, ill prepared embarassment the US has ever produced

And great fodder for the comedians!

4. And, there is NOTHING better than a GOOD Substitute Teacher

And, that’s what I think

Blogblast for Education

I know, one day late but in this case, better late than never!

I am a University professor in education…I was a teacher/speech therapist for 20 years in the public schools before I went ‘academe’; but most importantly, I am a parent of two children who went through the public school system in this country.

And I am screaming angry about where our schools are headed.  THANK YOU- THANK YOU-THANK YOU to April  at It’s All About Balance for making this a national issue in her blog.

As a mother who happened to also be an educator, I would try as hard as I could to be involved, but guess what folks?  I worked the same hours as the teachers who wanted my involvement. I could not volunteer without taking a sick day off from my own teaching position and thereby ‘hurting’ my own students.

I went to every single Open House and spoke to every single teacher. In fact, I actually took the time to make a special appointment with my son’s math teacher in high school to tell HIM what he was doing wrong with my own child….dipshit didn’t bother to really check my son’s work….no, he just marked it wrong when a very simple 10 second task analysis would have shown him exactly what my kid was doing wrong and another 10 sec comment from him to my kid would have corrected the issue.  Mind you, I did do this in a professional manner so that said teacher would not hold it against my kid that his mother had to come in and correct the teacher.  What is WRONG with that picture??

And No CHild Left Behind is without a doubt the BIGGEST FARCE ever to be forced upon the teachers (and parents) in this country…and I mean teachers from preschool through college.  This AWFUL law has done nothing but punish the schools that need the most support and help.  It has shoved us lock, stock and barrel back to the educational stone ages….mind you, there is not a teacher of any worth out there who does not want their students to succeed (those that don’t need to be REMOVED from their positions—and don’t let anyone tell you that it can’t be done…yes it can!)

Parents like April need to stand up and make themselves heard, loud and clear.  YOU ARE the EXPERTS when it comes to your children.  Demand that excessive and completely unnecessary homework be removed as a requirement. Demand that all children in all classrooms receive the respect from the teacher that the teacher expects from them and their parents!  You get respect when you give respect. Demand that ALL children have the opportunity to avail themselves of ALL educational options at the school and that there is a BROAD RANGE OF OPTIONS AVAILABLE. Don’t let the school board say it can’t be done, yes it can!

We are truly at a crossroads in this country regarding public education. It can soar and dramatically improve the lives of millions of children…or it can go right into the crapper with public funds syphoning off to Charter and other forms of nonpublic schools.  The choice really truly is yours…VOTE for the school board members who will make your schools what you want them to be…VOTE for the president who will make your schools what you want them to be…and get as invovled as your life allows.

I believe in the public school system in this country. I believe that every single child has the right to a QUALITY free education with choices. Do you?

Dancing Queens

Just got back from an interesting wedding! First let me say it was a LOVELY wedding…..the bride was the daughter of on old neighbor…and she just looked gorgeous (as most brides do…really radiant!) Her groom is an interesting looking young man…they are a perfect couple….

So, this wedding ceremony was held at the chapel of Duquesne University a pretty nice campus for an inner city University. Not real handicap accessible (not that I’m handicapped but THE KNEE is starting to hurt again). The priest was HYSTERICAL. If that’s not an oxymoron, I don’t know what is…anyway, this was a particulary *hip* priest who was cracking jokes throughout the service.

Got through the crackers and juice phase of the service and we are released to head to the reception. Here is where the real fun begins…it was held on one of the Gateway Clipper Fleet of boats we have here in the Burgh.

Remember folks, this is PITTSBURGH, down home proud, a real people’s town…not Miami or New York, or Hyannis….

Our proud fleet is made of amazing BARGES..honest…check out the website!

Anyhow, our EMPRESS opened up for passengers at 12:30, and people hit the bar. The bride arrived at 1:30 (loads of pictures taken in the chapel) as people hit the bar. We began our party heading down the Monongahela River (and people hit the bar)….do you see a pattern emerging?

Well, 4 1/2 hours later, after cruising all three of Pittsburgh’s FANTASTIC RIVERS (Allegheny and Ohio along with the Mon), it was safe to say that there were quite a few people who had hit the bar often…and that is where the Dancing Queens come in….NOT ME…damn knee….but the bride’s family and the funky priest! The brides female family members LOVED dancing…ALL kinds of dancing (good thing there wasn’t a pole in the middle of the dance floor)…great ladies, all shapes, sizes and ages…boo-tie was a-shakin on the ’ship’!

And the good father….holy shit (pun intended)….dude was like John Travolta…collar came off (no kidding), gold jewelry flashed on his nicely tanned skin (NOT KIDDING) and he was close to doing lap dances with the ladies! I mean, he was in the middle of all these ladies just dancin away the afternoon…I don’t need to tell you that cameras were clicking like wildfire…..

When we docked, he was the last to leave the dancefloor….gosh….what a fun and entertaining wedding….great way to spend a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon in the Burgh…

Wish I could see HIS homily at tomorrow morning’s mass (pretty good for a Jewish kid…huh!?!) I can see it now, “Why God stays at the YMCA”….probably hit the bar too!

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, the Knee

Well, it is indeed a torn meniscus but the surgeon decided to try a shot of cortisone first. Uh-huh. If there EVER was a time that I NEEDED to be on drugs, the moment that needle prodding wicked wench put that bugger into my knee was it.

I mean, even with the ‘numbing shot’ first (HA, SCREW THAT), I saw STARS, COMETS, METEORS…I went into the light!!!!! And I cried….damn doctors used to have to chase me around their office to catch me to give me shots when I was a child. Now I sit like a brave soul and … I cry…big crocodile tears, cause the shot really hurt.

Outcome, well, for now I am moving with no pain and that is a very good thing. With luck (I don’t seem to have too much of that at times like these) I won’t need another shot (they will have to give me a general anaesthetic before I will ever LET someone put a needle like that in me again) and I won’t need surgery. If it wears off sooner rather than later, then surgery it is, amen…story finished…

NO MORE SHOTS!

Nothin to Say; Here are Some Pics

My great New Orleans class and the kitties (13 weeks now!)

T minus I’ve lost track days…damn widget…