Be One with Nature

We are supposed to love nature, be respectful of all that it gives us…yeah, right…

I think I might have mentioned that I am Jewish and can I tell you that I have just about personally experienced all ten of the plagues…thank you very much!

Let’s see,
#1 Blood—I think menstruation counts perfectly for that (they did call it ‘the curse’ at one time)–I experienced that plague for 44 years..YES, 44 years!

#2 Frogs—when we moved into our current house, every single day there were tons of these tiny little frogs all over the place…very cute until you squished them with your car, then you had nothing but frog guts all over the driveway and your tires. What a waste…no legs to cook!

#3 Lice—well, no, we didn’t have lice, but we did have ants, carpenter ants, lots of big black honkin ugly carpenter ants…like lice on our house!

#4 Flies—or the wasp equivalent…last October we had 4000 yellow jackets living inside the wall of our house just above the front door. Yes, you read that right… FOUR THOUSAND yellow jackets…it seems they found a tiny little hole in the mortar around a window and decided to bed down in our house for the season…DD happened to notice their KMart Blue Light Special style traffic pattern above the front door and called THE BEE HUNTER to come save us. We even made the local news as they taped him cutting a large hole in our wall (easy since the only thing keeping all those wasps out of the house was a thin layer of paint…they had EATEN all the drywall). Did I mention I have allergic reactions to yellow jacket stings?

#5 Sick Animals—when we moved to our new home, we had two lovely African Water frogs (Grow-A-Frog) for pets…Snuffles and Frogila (allergies to dog and cat dander reduced our choices). However, one frog was mentally ill…Snuffles didn’t quite realize that the only way to survive was to LIVE IN WATER…he took to leaping out of the large fish tank (10 gallon) we had him in..even with a glass lid on the tank, he was determined to commit hari kari… and so one morning, when we came downstairs he was GONE…a few days later we found his dried up little body splatted against the living room wall behind a sofa, covered with carpet fluzz…the little schizoid sucker jumped himself dry for the entire width of our first floor–about 42 feet–we buried him in the backyard with great reverance playing taps on the violin.

#6 Boils–my equivalent is POISON IVY–most normal people get a tiny little rash, dab calamine lotion on it and voila..gonzo—not moi…I only have to be in the general area of poison ivy and I get it systemically…that means I suffer with the most awful itching blisters all over my body that keep reappearing for close to 21 days..I have used every remedy known to mankind including Zanfel (which really did work the best) but the ONLY thing that stopped the ivy dead in its tracks was a shot of kenalog that my old (now deceased) dermatologist used to give me…guess what…this new group of dermatologists don’t believe in giving a shot…no, one needs to suffer…I have not gotten through a summer yet without having at least one outbreak of poison ivy. Something to look forward to now that spring has sprung.

#7 Hail–let’s see, hail is a form of water, right? In our first house (a cute townhouse), in the middle of the night we thought we heard the water running…hmmmm, I woke up and thought, that’s wierd…so I went to investigate…a pipe had burst in the wall behind our shower stall in the middle of the night and we had Niagra Falls flowing through a hole in our ceiling onto the living room below…the water, which had probably been flowing like that for maybe 5 hours, ruined the entire first floor and basement levels of the house. All of the walls and flooring had to be replaced, some of the furniture was completely ruined, all electronics were ruined…a major flood and guess when this happened…just before Halloween…we were a TRUE haunted looking house for that holiday!

#8 Locusts–I think I can double dip this with my yellow jackets although we have been over run with ladybugs for the last three years…actually have them in the house almost year round.

#9 Darkness–at 3 AM November 25, 2005, our house caught fire in the basement from a cordless phone transformer plugged into an extension cord that overheated…i.e. electrical fire…had it not been for the smoke detectors going off in the darkness I would not be here writing this blog…we were out of the house for 8 months while it was being rebuilt…during that time, my dad also had a kitchen fire that resulted in him suffering 3rd degree burns on both of his hands…while preparing for skin graft surgery, they found he had lung cancer, and while preparing to do the surgery to remove his lung, they found he had a blood clot in his heart. I’d say that counts as ‘darkness’.

#10 Death of First Born–I even had this one…my first pregnancy which DD and I worked very hard to accomplish) ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks.

The 10 plagues, BUT, please note that I am also a SURVIVOR. And a generally happy camper, at that!

I have a wonderful NEW house, an incredible hubby, 2 remarkable grown up children, a dad who is STILL with us, Frogila survived the fire–he is actually 20 years old..I think that must be a record for Grow-A-Frogs, a medicine cabinet with Zanfel and calamine, the Bee Hunter on speed dial, easily accessible shut-off valves for all water lines in the house, and the pleasure of completing menopause with minimal issues (although the hot flashes/sweats continue).

I respect nature and I know damn well that nature now respects me too! Booyah!


5 Responses to “Be One with Nature”

  1. May 7, 2008 at 5:28 am

    You’re a strange woman sometimes Mom. Interesting interpretation though! Gonna tell people how you thought your second born was a tumor? They might like that “nature glitch” as well.


  2. 2 drf
    May 7, 2008 at 10:58 am

    I am glad you sent me the address again. We had”neon” fish that committed Hari-kari and then the goldfish did not do well with being petted by G.

    Sounds like you are doing well. I am so glad.


  3. 3 Carrie
    May 7, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    You guys are like that watch slogan…”takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”

  4. 4 judie
    May 8, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    and I can’t beleive I went through all of that with you (in spirit, of course!) that just shows how strong a person you are, luv ya šŸ™‚

  5. 5 judie
    May 8, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    woops, believe not beleive!!!!

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