30
Apr
09

life has been interesting lately

Does anyone remember the post I had a few weeks ago where you could figure out how much longer you had to live?  This one.

Well, it looks as though if I don’t significantly change my lifestyle, my Ouija Board’s prediction about the ‘length of my days’ may well be spot on target. At the ripe old age of 12 I asked it when and how I would die. It said, and I will never forget this, 58 years of a heart attack.  Mind you, NOBODY and I mean NOBODY in my family at that time had had a heart attack let alone died of one so I really didn’t know what that was…but, the mystical magical Ouija Board said that was to be my fate.

Which brings me to the events of this past week. It was time for my medical exam. Goddamn it, I hate going to the doctor because I ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY. But, I went.  I got weighed at home first to see how far off the scale at home was from the doctor’s…oh, before I forget, DD came with me to my appointment to keep me honest and make sure I told him everything…keeper of the truth, he is…like Obiwan.

 Anyhow, I went and the doctor’s scale and mine matched! Now, in my mind, that was a very good thing. I mean, I was much heavier than I should be, but at least it wasn’t  heavier in the doctor’s office. So, if I decide to get serious about my weight, my scale is honest.

 Then came the requisite exam: breath, cough, squeeze, poke, push, probe (sounds like a porno flick) and the questions….and the answers…mainly my damn feet hurt and I mean almost all the time…I think it’s my weight and he thinks maybe plantar fasciitis. Go to the foot doctor for that one (or Wikipedia).

 I have a nigly stupid cough that I’ve had for months and I mean MONTHS. Lungs sound OK but get a chest x-ray to be sure….result: CLEAN. (This is a very good thing considering I had been around intense second hand smoke my entire adult life…but no more…everyone now has QUIT–woohoo)

I have heartburn which we all know is reflux and I mentioned that gee, maybe it is the reflux that is giving me the cough. Once a speech therpaist, always a speech therapist. So, we get a prescription for an endoscopy and while we are at it, I MUST have my baseline colonoscopy as well. DAYUM…get me at both ends.

 And of course we cannot forget the requisite blood tests and urine specimen…dontcha just love that whole ‘clean catch’ scenario we ladies have to go through to pee in a frickin cup?!

So, where was I going with this..oh yeah, I forgot to tell him about some memory issues that I thought I was having (ministrokes actually)…but I guess I didn’t think of it enough to remember to tell him what I was thinking of and everyone around me ASSURED ME that I was just GETTING OLD and it happens to everyone AT THIS AGE.

OK…OK….I’m getting to the results….

I’m fat…they call it morbidly obese…BMI over the magic number of 30.

But that wasn’t the good part.

My pee is turbid and has hemoglobin in it…both of which is not normal but that is not the good part yet. (Actually, the doctor ignored this test result.)

The blood results….ah yes, a heart attack in the making….elevated cholesteral–the BAD KIND, elevated triglycerides (whatever the hell they do, I don’t know, just know they aren’t supposed to be elevated), elevated glucose…WTF…am I living with DD so long that I have to share ALL of his little traits,  blood pressure is OK but to be honest a tad too high ….what a banner day for the QUEST lab that was….all those little ‘H’ s next to my test scores. But that STILL was not the best.

 

HERE. is. the. best.  

 

I called the gastroenterologist’s office to make an appointment for my double dipping, get alll things scheduled (for those who don’t know, the colonoscopy is a two day process becasue you have to PURGE your entire bowel system the day before so you DARE NOT make any plans at all cause you are on potty call all day that day) and wait to get the forms in the mail.   HAHAHA!  As I’m driving on a highway to get back to IUP I get a call from a schedule person in the office that they have to make other arrangements for me for the tests. Oh, why?

Are you ready?    Are you sitting down???  DO NOT drink anything for a minute now becasue I don’t want you losing it through your nose..

 

They cannot do the test s on me in their specially designed medical center because

I

AM

TOO

FAT

Uhhhhhh, folks, I weigh 210 pounds right now. YES, that is twice the size I should be cause I am just a cute little petite girlie (NOT), but they were able to do these tests on my husband who is like well maybe around 275 pounds.

I was 2 pounds over their limit so I have to go to a hospital for my excavations. KELLEY, are you reading this?????

Puts a whole new spin on what FAT means in different contexts. So, what did I do. What any normal person would do, I CANCELLED BOTH APPOINTMENTS.  I told them I would lose 10 pounds and call them back.

 

I’m not done yet.

 

So, yesterday, as I was driving home on the Pennsylvania equivalent of the autobahn, the PA Turnpike, I get yet ANOTHER CALL. This time from the Director of Surgical Operations for the doctor. Oh, she says. She overheard the technician or whoever the person was who called me talking about my ‘situation’ and thought, WELL, THAT”S NOT RIGHT!  ( Implied statement: She can’t be so fat that we can’t do the test because afer all, she does have reflux and we can’t let that go without an offical diagnosis or anything.) She called the big kahuna at the main hospital to get clearance for them to do the tests on me in their own specially designed office. Ahhhh, those evil 2 pounds really won’t hurt me that much so they can load my lard butt onto one of their tables and do the tube-thing….both ends.

My tests are sandwiched on either end of a lovely May weekend..not Mother’s Day weekend at least.

So, what have I learned. The Ouija Board just might be right. I really need to eat my oatmeal, cut back on carbs and sugars, increase my physical activity, lose the red meat, take my meds, measure my blood pressure and take this shit seriously or 58 is gonna come pretty darn fast. And it won’t be pretty.

And to think that some people thought I would just drift into retirement…..

Time to get out the motivation theme songs. I have to make me a CD…a REALLY GOOD CD with really excellent theme songs that will keep me motivated….this is where you, my loyal readers, can help…..any suggestions for motivating songs?

I have two top songs that will go on first…When the Going Gets Tough and Eye of the Tiger…what else should I add?  Let’s keep things interesting…

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7 Responses to “life has been interesting lately”


  1. May 1, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    I’ll think on that for you.
    Glad you got yourself checked out though. Keep yourself healthy for grandbabies(sooner maybe than we thought cause I may have found some part time work).

  2. 2 Kelley Flynn
    May 4, 2009 at 8:27 pm

    How about I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor? It’s bad enough that you are retiring, but to die of a heart attack??? That’s just wrong!

  3. May 6, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    Ugh. Just crap.

    Okay, I love “For Now” from Avenue Q – to remind me that nothing is forever.
    And “Defying Gravity” from Wicked.

  4. May 7, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    I feel like I just relived the past 3 months of my life in that post. Are we seeing the same dr? Sisters seperated by birth and about 20 years?

    You best pull it together! I am! It’s not all that easy, but hey… if me, big Lazy, can do it.. you can too!!

    And I weighed a good 60+ pounds more then you and they had no problems with testing me in any ways!

    Need any support or just need to whine or whatever.. I’m here for you! Doing all of the above too.

    I have a cd of pirate songs (band from Pburgh too!) that I can send you if you want 🙂

  5. May 9, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I’m very happy you are getting the tests you need and you’re getting motivated. I hope everything goes as well as it can.

    My favorite inspirational songs are “One Day More” from Les Mis and “Man in Motion” my John Parr. They always get me going.

  6. May 15, 2009 at 6:22 am

    You are kidding me. TWO POUNDS? That is like a fucking bowel movement. You will lose at least double that in the cleanout the night before.

    IDIOTS.

    And the ministrokes? Please tell me that they are self diagnosed. Please tell me that.

  7. May 23, 2009 at 9:24 am

    Still waiting on colon stories!


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