14
Sep
16

not just blue…it was more of an indigo

It was happening and I didn’t know it…wasn’t tuned in to it…the trough was beginning to form again…my partner had taken back control and was changing the rhythm of the dance.

As I said in the very first post, it is insidious…ya know how they say that some cancers or heart disease are silent killers…well, depression is the same way. It doesn’t show on the outside normally until it is really REALLY bad and sometimes, too late.

You look the same, try to always act the same..like everything is just fine. You carry on and do your best to live your life the way you need to. I do my very best when I have a tight schedule. I’m not sure if that is a part of my Type A personality or an internal need I have because when I have a schedule and follow it and get my stuff done and do it well, I AM IN CONTROL.

I’m actually sitting here laughing as I write this because I JUST REALIZED THAT! Being tightly scheduled for me WAS and still is a means of control!

So, I taught a full course load of 15 credits a semester; I was the Coordinator of Student Teaching for our program; I was on several college-department-university committees; I was doing presentations all over the country (both requirements for tenure and promotion); I advised approximately 40 students (and I DID meet with every single one of them for no less than 45 minutes at least every semester for scheduling if nothing else); I went to my daughter’s in-house and traveling soccer games; I went to my son’s choral performances; I tried to do the best I could with dinner preparation (kudos to E for taking over so much of that during this time); I did the laundry; and I drove a 2 hour commute each day I traveled to work–usually 4 out of 5 weekdays. I was also on a number of professional committees outside the University. I also started writing my first textbook and became a regional coordinator for a multi-million dollar grant…my region was the west coast- Washington-Oregon-California-Utah-Idaho-Nevada-Arizona-New Mexico (remember that I lived on the east coat, in Pennsylvania) so I was traveling…a lot!

Yes, a bit tightly scheduled, but, like I said, PRODUCTIVE and brilliantly so…I accomplished every single thing I wanted to get accomplished during this period of time and unbeknownst to me

the trough was deepening and deepening and DEEPENING.

And suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, it hit.

Chest pains, could not breathe, started crying for no reason at all. The pain was screamingly tangible and all internal, burning, searing, throbbing pain.

All I could think about was how badly it hurt, that my medication had apparently stopped working, and that if it continued to feel this way, I could not bear it. I wasn’t feeling blue; no, I was indigo, closing in on midnight.

And, nobody knew because I chose isolation. Don’t tell, don’t share, don’t let on. Stay away from any kind of interaction or conversation that might give you away. I sobbed in every shower I took. I sobbed driving to and from school and then washed my face with ice cold water to get rid of the swelling around my eyes and redness on my nose (damn nose always gives me away when I cry).

I just wanted to BE ALONE and left alone.

My lovely waltz had turned, slowly, but surely, into a moshing slam dance.

 

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1 Response to “not just blue…it was more of an indigo”


  1. September 14, 2016 at 2:50 pm

    Big Big hug D. It Hurts when reading this. Thank you for sharing. Love you x


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