I just want …

to die.

The feeling was overwhelming and complete. I thought very long and hard about that…I truly did.I thought about all my alternatives and none of them were going to relieve the constant horrible pain I was feeling inside. My insides churned constantly and burned, heavy in my core. Every piece of my skin hurt. It was a constant fight with my brain to stay as calm as I could be…to hide 24/7 what I was feeling and what I was planning.

A NOTE for those of you who scream about suicide being the coward’s way out.  DON’T YOU DARE. Until YOU walk in the shoes of deep depression or disease, or addiction where the pain is overwhelming and all encompassing and there is no physical or mental or emotional respite, don’t you dare even think that this kind of act is cowardly. It is the most heart wrenching decision one could ever make and trust me when I tell you that it is NEVER done lightly and without tremendous forethought. That individual needs to stop being in permanent pain and there is certainty in one’s death being the end to personal pain.

I would peek over at my husband at night as he slept and hoped, with all my heart, that he would carry on well without me and without feeling any guilt. There was nothing he could do…he DID try to keep communications open, but I closed him off. Isolation was better. My kids were already adults and pretty much on their own either in college or finishing up. They had figured out that I had demons to fight, but, I certainly would not drag either of them into the trough of despair that I was engulfed in…no, they needed to not think of me as some damaged person who couldn’t hold it together.  My parents…well, they would probably be beside themselves, wondering what they did wrong or might have done differently, but, they too, would be OK in the long run. There would be no notes left because this was going to be a horrible accident…it was important for the family to be able to collect on all of the life insurance. Oh, they may figure out after a time that it might have been a suicide, but, if I did it right, they wouldn’t be able to prove it for sure.

Very few people know about this part of my depression and the fact is, those that do know found out way after I had been saved from my certain demise.

So, I had a plan; a very nasty and completely deadly car accident. I only needed to determine when to put it in action.

As I sunk deeper and deeper into the trough the time began to feel right to do it. Then driving home one early afternoon from school (it was 40 miles one way, so a good amount of time to process) I began to think, “Would anybody care enough to try to stop me?”

Maybe that was my waaaaaay deep inner voice saying, “Whoa, hold on a second, are you sure about this?” I don’t know. All I do know is that this time period was well before EVERYONE had cell phones (and the ones out there were still bag phones pretty much!).

I got home and called my mom. No answer. Called my sister. No answer. Called my aunt. No answer. Thought while laughing to myself…”There isn’t anyone…see!” And I began to cry, quietly…tears slowly slipping down my cheeks because, well, it WAS time. One more call…I called my best friend (ya know, the one I said was the ONLY person from high school I stayed in touch with)…I called Judie…she answered the phone and I can’t remember the exact words I said to her, but I was crying, crying hard and she said, “I am coming to get you RIGHT NOW.”

And she saved me from myself. 

She took me for a long drive. We talked, I cried, a lot…I shared what I was going to do and how I had been feeling, and I think she wanted to die at that moment! She could not quite believe what I was going through and that I hadn’t shared with anyone…she stuck with me like glue that day. She helped me get my shit together that day just by being the ONE PERSON who answered the phone.

I know, without a doubt, that I would not be here right now had it not been for Judie answering the phone that day.

Now, what to do…


1 Response to “I just want …”

  1. September 17, 2016 at 5:37 am

    I am so happy that there was at least one person who answered your call that day. Thanks a lot Judie …
    Love you D. Xxx

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